i have began to heal

and here are the ways

As I have literally-never-before-mentioned and not-at-all-made-this-newsletter-an-outlet-for, 2023 was the year my mental health took a wild decline and I was diagnosed with PTSD, and told by my GP that I had concerning symptoms of burn out. People use the words “burn out” a lot when they’re very tired and struggling, I was assured it actually an occupational syndrome. The symptoms of PTSD/burnout were as follows:

- uncontrollable shaking in my arms
- obsessive hyper-vigilance about my safety that almost became agoraphobic
- struggles sleeping
- a sense of impending doom that went on for days or weeks
- nightmares of violence, rape, stalking
- feeling detached from loved ones
- emotionally numb
- anxious overwhelming looping thoughts
- jumpy, easily startled
- hot flashes

I thought I was going mad, and didn’t recognise my own brain for a period of about a year. The subsequent symptoms threatened to ruin my relationship as I fought to stay present, emotionally available and keep my perception grounded in reality. PTSD and the anxiety that comes with it can shift your view of yourself, your loved ones and your life and you can suddenly feel different towards all three. I did and it fucking terrified me. At first, without realising, I reached for the classic thing to help me; wine each night for at least two weeks and I even began smoking weed, which would completely take away my symptoms and was something I hadn’t done before. That went on for a while until, SURPRISE, my symptoms got even worse. What’s the saying?

“a coping mechanism feels good in the short-term but worse in the long-term, and healing feels worse in the short-term but good in the long-term”.

Once I was brave enough to admit what was happening and stopped trying to just ignore it or shove it in a box (boxes are built to reopen at some point!!), I worked very hard to get better (so that boxes were no longer needed), and I think that’s likely to be a long-term or forever practice. In the last 6 months, though, there has been a noticeable improvement for periods of weeks or months which hadn’t happened in a year and a half. I feel like I have a handle on it, I feel like I have control and have shifted the way my brain was operating from fear, and therefore my life. I think (hope) this is what they call post-traumatic growth.

I view my adult working life as a little before and after: before PTSD/burnout, I was working consistently for 7 years with no boundaries, had consistent on-going “trauma washing” experiences (such as treats, national media attention, police cases etc) that were heavy but that I didn’t deal with. I had vague coping mechanisms installed that appeared to be normal – going out and drinking a fair bit, tied to my devices – but did little to help me process or heal from these experience and so eventually, after a final highly traumatic event, everything overflowed and it became clear it was time to change my life. My nervous system and brain had been through a lot and needed me to understand them. The “after” is defined by the healthier ways I work and live and the “before” looks, to me, like someone who was absolutely raw-dogging an intense and sometimes dangerous work life.

To celebrate having my feet tentatively in the “after”, I want to attempt to list 20 things I couldn’t or didn’t do in 2022 that I can, or do, implement now. Choices I’ve made as part of my recovery but which also show how far I’ve come in taking care of myself and creating some semblance of balance. As my therapist said “you have to work for good mental health, the idea that you don’t is a fallacy… people go through their entire lives without caring for themselves and then wonder why they’re always tired, stressed, negative and there’s strain in their relationships.”

20 things I’ve done to try and heal
1. Journaled off-and-on – but consistently and unfiltered – since 2023
2. Changed my job to something I’m happier in that allows me to live in integrity more.
3. Attended therapy every two weeks or every week.
4. Introduced somatic habits (fucking life changing for trauma).
5. Made serious boundaries with my phone and social media. (NO scrolling at night)
6. Started moving my body in manageable and fun ways (short runs, pilates, easy gym stuff)
7. Learnt and captured the early signs that my mental health is declining, so I can notice them and communicated what I need from my partner.
8. Gone to bed before 10am every week night.
9. Woken up early, washed and enjoyed morning walks with my partner before work.
10. Tried to actually practice self-compassion during hard days (this is still the most difficult thing)
11. Safeguarded my capacity for work. Like, actually said no way more.
12. Implemented a process when I feel terrified of the news (let’s go RRRR!)
13. Refused to keep recounting about my assault, stalking, trauma under patriarchy for the work or the press.
14. Used water somatically: the sea, cold plunges, cold showers during symptoms.
15. Be much more intentional about when I drink alcohol
16. Planned my weeks each Sunday (systems help stress!)
17. Prioritised and planned fun/dates/social stuff.
18. Read fiction instead of only non-fiction about misogyny/racism/class/violence.
19. Told my friends in the UK that I need to hear from them more.
20. Sought out psychological assessments.

That’s actually a lot, fucking hell.

I sort of don’t believe myself looking at that list? And yet, it’s absolutely true. I have truly done every one of these fairly consistently, and while many are a habit I am always practicing – I’m not perfect at them – I know I’m committed. Like, I feel that in my bones. I’ve witnessed just how much they really fucking help me day-to-day. Now I’m writing this, I feel like one of those people who’s like “HERE’S HOW TO CURE YOUR PTSD”. This is not that. I understand PTSD in the same way men understand feminism so don’t take this as advice but these things have worked for me. I also wish I’d shown you all the times I failed or ignored at all of these. Or the times I’d scream “TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS SO BORING!!!!” to Jordy as I sulked off to pick up my journal and fill up my water bottle, or scowled my way to my office at 9pm at night for therapy when all I wanted to do was sleep. This seems like a shiny list but, alas, there has been a lot of snot crying as part of it.

I think I began with one – journaling – and built from there. Honestly, there were points where I was so desperate to solve my symptoms I would have done almost anything so that’s probably the most honest answer for how I’ve installed these into my life. It’s testament to how people don’t often do what’s needed for them until they hit a real low.

Regardless of how I got here though I really wanted to write this to myself, with you as witness, in order to acknowledge that I can heal and – more importantly – that I know how I did it this time, so that if I’m ever struggling in the future, I have a record, a belief that it’s possible and a bit of a starter manual to refer to.

G x