An Open Letter To All Men

A long (and uncomfortable but supportive) read, for men who feel like they want to help.

Disclaimer for women and marginalised genders: This letter is a call to cis men, and in the interest of engaging men who may never have picked up a book on social issues, I’ve aimed to keep it simple and to the point. For me it has to be, ultimately, accessible. Due to this, it feels very heteronormative, because unfortunatley it is, and in places it lacks the context I’d usually add. This is because I don’t want to overload the reader with new information, but instead meet them where they are and introduce them to this kind of reading. I hope that makes sense.

edit: this letter was written after the death of Sarah Everard and the influx of men coming to my pages to ask what to do.

Introduction

Thank you for joining me here, dudes. Since Monday March 8th, I have been cyber-tapped on the shoulder by men I know now, used to know, or don’t know at all, and they have all been asking me one question “what can I do to help?”. Firstly, this is a good sign. It means the appetite is there to do something. However, I find myself in a quandary… because the reality here is that there really isn’t one quick and easy answer I can give you as to how to help. Sure, there are pointers. I could say “call your friends on the misogynistic behaviour”. I could say “cross the road when you walk behind a woman to make her feel safe”. I could say “tell your female colleague how much your salary is so she doesn't have to spend hundreds of thousands of pounds figuring out she's getting paid less”. But you see none of that would start to drill down to solve the problem, would they? None of that starts to pull this issue out of the roots. They only make interpersonal experiences slightly easier. If you really – and I mean truly do want to help – then embarking on a lifetime of learning is the beginning to a real solution. For this letter I want you to ignore the concept of what you know. Because the idea of working towards a more equitable society or equal society means you have to get used to the idea of letting go of what you’ve been taught or what you’ve internalised about society. Allow yourself to think past what you know and open up to what else society could be.

It’s important to me to open up the conversation about misogyny with men, but here’s the problem; so many women are absolutely exhausted of having these conversations. If you can, try and imagine the quiet degradation of living in a society that you feel consistently unsafe in, dealing with barriers that are in many of the spaces you exist in, and then being given the burden to having to also explain the complexity of that to men whenever they want (or often demand) it. Imagine being a Black woman dealing with racism and misogyny on a daily basis, and then being asked to explain that experience every day to someone new. There is a very real and visceral frustration that comes along with this because women have been having these conversations for hundreds of years. We have been writing, making films, commissioning research, working on papers, tweeting our experiences, reporting assault, listening to our friend tell us stories of being unsafe, and we are exhausted. We can’t even do it right ourselves. White women have been excluding non-white women from this conversation for so long. When ‘women got the vote’, it was actually only white women who could own property. We are not great at this either. But men are definitely not. There isn’t even a conversation happening from what I can see, and that needs to change. Although I am happy to open up this space, many women aren’t, and I want to implore you to allow women that. They are angry. They are exhausted. And quite frankly they shouldn’t have to, on top of everything, make it their job to ‘prove’ and ‘explain’ their trauma or experiences or oppression (if, that is, they believe they are oppressed... many women don’t. I didn’t say this was simple!) As a general rule, allow women the space at the moment, and going forward. Don’t expect them to explain everything to you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. You see, for men this can be an ‘interesting debate’ or ‘a fascinating conversation/issue’ (because our experiences is theoretical to you) but for us, it is our life and pain. Not experiencing gender inequality allows these conversations to be theoretical for men, but living under it can make these conversations painful for us. We are asking you to experience temporary discomfort while learning about this, while we live in it permanently.

That being said, I want to take the time to give men a space to think and unlearn because it’s important. I will always prioritise women and marginalised genders in this space as I try and learn to be a better person, but I feel able to give men this space, because I need to see something change. I need to help you understand in a real way what is going on here. So. I’m going to explain in the simplest and most honest way I can, what you can do to help us in this fight. But first, it’s really fucking important that I go through a few of the basics so that we’re all on the same page before we start. I hope you’re strapped in and with me.

There is something we need to understand before I get into the letter. These discussions aren’t just discussion about men and women and how they interact. They are infinitely more complex that that, but this common misconception means that people who haven’t worked in gender equality or have made educating themselves on it a serious and constant part of their life, will often discuss ‘what needs to change’ or ‘what the problem is’ without stopping to consider how much they truly know about the subject, and their well-meaning thoughts are often way off base (see Davina McCall’s tweet). Gender inequality is about history, gender studies, sociology, structural racism. All huge topics (that we won’t be covering here!) that have hundreds of years of theories, work, data, research and cultural context to them. It is a specialist subject. Take the subject of ‘Biology’; It’s a part of our existence and is something that is intimately related to all humans and life on earth, but that doesn’t mean we are all just going around spouting our opinion on it as if we’re experts. It should be the same with gender equality. The problem with this though, is that the language around this topic is familiar to us. We know the words, and it’s a social issue that we live with every day, so we subconsciously think “I should be able to speak on it”. Well, not necessarily. That’s the first hard lesson; if you don’t live it, logic suggests you probably don’t understand it as much as you need to to be able to speak on it effectively and sensitively. We think we understand it by osmosis (of knowing a women), that we get it (see white people with racism) and we discuss it with ease without ever having really sat down to learn about it. Without really having sat down to listen. Everyone has an opinion on sexism and misogyny, but the majority of people – especially the every day bloke who has never experienced it – rarely have enough understanding or context to bring thoughts and opinions to it that couldn’t be better and more responsibly offered by someone living it and studying it. As a woman, I’ve had to take a step back, shut up and listen, too. I’m an expert on my own experiences, yes. But am I an expert on gender inequality? No. I’m always learning. I’ve internalised a lot of the damaging ideas about women and non-binary people the world shoved down my throat and so for the first year or so, I assumed I didn’t understand it at all. Five years in, I’m still being called in (like being called out but kinder) by friends, colleagues and people I know. In conclusion, listening to people who have studied it, work in it, are leaders in this work and have lived it is the only effective way to actually learn about it. Prioritise listening to them over voicing your own opinion early on, and remember you will never have ‘learnt it all’.

Still with me? Amazing. I should give you some context on who I am (especially if this letter is the first time you’ve come into contact with me). My name is Gina Martin and I’m a political activist, writer, speaker on gender inequality. I work with UNWomen UK and I’m a grassroots organiser. I’ve been learning about gender inequality and intersectional feminism for five years and work in and around these topics. I changed the law to make upskirting a sexual offence and I worked alongside Nyome Nicholas-Williams and Alex Cameron to change instagram policy on nudity. These are not simple tasks. I spend huge amounts of my time with charities, action groups, survivors, policy makers, educators and I‘m fortunate enough to learn from the best minds in the UK on these issues. I’m deep in this world and I’m always learning at speed. I’m not a leading expert by any means – I get schooled weekly and have to check myself – but I am an award-winning activist who has deep enough understanding of gender inequality to write this letter. Most importantly, I am not just here giving you my opinion. I am trying to get you to to understand a reality.

Things to remember:

1. Men and masculinity are two different things. This is key to remember throughout this letter. “Men” describes individuals of a certain gender, and “masculinity” is a set of qualities or characteristic that we assign to men. Masculinity is a construct we created in society, because gender is a construct. Sex is biological (yet still a spectrum), but gender is simply a list of attributes we apply to sex. This means we can, and should, think more critically about those list of attributes that typically ‘make up’ masculinity.

2. “Women and marginalised genders” is a term I’m going to use throughout this letter. It means cis women (a woman whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth) and trans and non-binary people. I say this because it’s not just cis women like me who deal with male violence. Non-binary and trans people deal with horrific abuse, mocking and violence from men and are oppressed under the patriarchy (a system of society in which men hold the power and others are largely excluded from it), and therefore we are fighting against the same issue. If you want to understand a little more about gender and these terms you can head to this post!

3. Many of the facts or discussions in this letter are the absolute basics of gender inequality, so if there’s something you’re not sure of, it should be easy enough for you to head to Google and look up the phrase or the context to get a better understanding before you decided to debate, or worse, argue. Asking questions is always encouraged, but could you find this answer with a quick Google first? Start getting into the habit of pro-actively looking up stuff you’re not 100% on now, and it means there won’t be 100s of the same question, but instead we can have a more considered conversation in the comments.

4. My experience is my experience and no one else’s. Black women don’t just exist under gender inequality like I do, they live under white supremacy too (whereas I benefit from it) which means their experiences are infinitely more urgent and complex. Depending on where women and non-binary people sit in terms of their identity (Google: intersectionality) will make their experiences infinitely harder, which is why this letter will fall short at times. It’s written by a white women and I can’t speak for those women. Listen to them too, always. Make sure the books you're reading, podcast you’re listening to, talks you're watching, events you're going to are diverse and reflect society. If they're not, you're just learning about this from one perspective which is dangerous.

Now for a final gentle disclaimer; there may be facts, language or parts of this letter you don’t like. That’s cool. There may be things that make you feel defensive, as they’re hard truths that seem like they’re aimed right at you. Because of this – and this is one of the ultimate lessons in this work – you might get angry and feel the need to leave, debate or argue. But being reactive here really only works to stunt learning. You’re either committed to being here to listen and learn, or you’re here to take the bits you’re comfortable with and leave/fight me on what you’re not. And look, of course we want to be reactive during these conversations! Of course we are emotional about this! It feels personal! But it’s not. This is not about you. If you feel uncomfortable, try and head away and quietly learn, then come back when you feel ready. I can promise you it will work.

The hard truths in here – the things I say that might make you feel defensive – are essential for you to hear. Know that isn’t my intention to make you feel hurt. My only intention is to tell you the truth, and because of that, parts of this letter might challenge how you see the world. Which is uncomfortable. That’s because hopefully, this letter will go some way in forcing you to see the world through the lens of gender inequality, something if you’re a man, you don’t experience. That’s okay. Sit with that. Notice if that turns into denial. Or if it turns into defensiveness. Every time you feel a difficult emotion, try and remove yourself from it by saying ‘this isn’t about me personally, this is about the system that makes me.’ It’s okay to feel uncomfortable in these conversations but only if you allow yourself to feel it and sit in it. It means you’re learning and challenging your views. It’s okay to be vulnerable. In fact, it’s fucking great. Thats when change actually happens. Push yourself. Like you do when you bench (I’m joking) (or am I?) (I am).

An Open Letter To Men

March 8th is the single day when searches for “International Men’s Day” spike annually. March 8th is, obviously International Women’s Day. A day, it seems men most wonder “but… what about me?”. In the Interest of clarity, International Men's Day is on November 19th, but searches don’t nearly reach the same height in the lead up to that day. You see, guys aren’t worried about when International Men’s day is because they don’t need it. They’re uncomfortable with us having one. This small, but clear behaviour indicates an indignation and curiosity at why International Women’s Day exists at all. Instead of me sitting here and pummelling you with facts about how many women are killed a day, how few rape cases are prosecuted or how the majority of women in prison are in there for attacking their abuser, I showed you this one because it reflects the quiet, but silent reason why we are dying. Why we are attacked. Why we are assaulted. Why we are harassed. Why we don’t get the jobs. Why we are catcalled. It shows that a huge huge portion of men don’t understand why women have this day, and therefore, don’t understand what they are perpetuating. It signifies to me, that way way too many men don’t understand that we are dealing with a fucking crisis.

I want to talk a little about ‘traditional’ gender roles. Tony Porter spoke about the collective socialisation of men and what he named the ‘man box’. A box we put boys in from a very young that assigns them traits, attributes that make up the gender of ‘man’. Some of those traits are good, healthy: brave. Some of them – in fact – too many of them are dangerous, both to men themselves and women and marginalised genders as a result: dominant, aggressive, unemotional. We tell boys from very young that getting ‘girls’ is important, and so subconsciously they know they are entitled to girls space early on. We teach them that being ‘emotional’ and ‘sensitive’ are ‘girl’ traits – and ‘girl’ traits are bad – which means boys learn not to show their emotion in front of other boys. So when a young boy doesn’t want to engage in peer pressure or toxic behaviour, like chasing girls or picking on them, he feels vulnerable and uncomfortable and automatically associates those feelings of vulnerability or sensitivity – which he’s already learnt as ‘girl’ traits – as not for him and he rejects them instead of examining them or opting out of the behaviour. We consistently, whether purposely or because we, as adults, have internalised these rigid gender roles too ourselves, reward boys for their ‘boyish’ behaviour and reject or don’t reward their emotions. As Tony says: “When [my kids] were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important. Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?… He’s five years old." We give girls more space to explore their emotions because we expect it from them in a way we don’t with boys. And we don’t even know we’re doing it.

As boys grow into men we teach them that sex is a numbers game, and something you take from a girl (“I took her virginity”), removing her from the language around the situation and therefore his consideration. We don’t talk to boys about consent because it’s too uncomfortable, so they never realise that anything less that enthusiastic consent from a girl is a reason to stop and check in with her. You see, I believe we have a minimum standards approach when it comes to boys, as Ben Hurst discusses in his Ted Talk, we don’t expect much from them. We are lazy with our expectations when it comes to masculinities. ‘Boys will be boys’, right? Because of this, we don’t encourage boys to exceed the standards their gender puts on them, and develop traits like emotional literacy (being able to effectively excavate and articulate our feelings), allowing men to make a home in Tony’s ‘man box’ and toxic traits of masculinity to develop and spread unhindered through peer-pressure as kids and group mentality as men, rewarding them in some cases (the lathario! the bachelor!) and ignoring the positive traits, often mocking them (the sissy! the softie!).

But what about the other binary gender role we create and develop? What about girls? Well, as with men and masculinity being two different things, girls and femininity too, are separate. But because of long-held ideas of what womanhood is, we teach girls very damaging lessons that tie them to femininity only, early on. We tell them young that boys aren’t the problem, but that they – or more often their bodies – are. “If he picks on you it’s because he likes you!” tells a young girl to recognise that it’s normal to accept bad behaviour from boys and we should be thankful for it because it’s a compliment (so why do you think some women think cat-calling is a genuine compliment?). We tell them their skirts – that they’ve been made to wear in school to perform their femininity – are too short, imbedding the idea that their body is inherently sexual, in a way boys bodies (running around the playground on a hot day) with their tops off, are not. We teach them as they grow up, that sexuality is a dirty word, that teenage girls who explore their sexuality are ‘sluts’ but boys who do it, again, will be boys. And we signal to them that sex is something done to them. That the first time ‘will hurt’ with no explanation as to why it shouldn’t. We tell them that their virginity is sacred sending the message that if it’s gone they are worth less than they were before. Women and girls have been portrayed as sexual objects in the majority of movies and TVs shows in the past up until now, and prized on the front of magazines for their bodies, not their achievements as men often are. Trans and non-binary people are barely included in mainstream movies and shows unless as a character to mock. We take in all of this growing up whether we want to or not. What does the colour red made you think? Love? Danger? Sure. Because association with something continuously psychologically instills it in your head as a constant truth. So when you constantly see women associated with being sexual objects, they can become intrinsically linked in your psyche without you even realising. The same goes for damaging associations to race, sexuality and more.

The above examples – which are a basic set of examples to illustrate a point about traditional gender roles – do one thing: prescribe and teach young boys and young girls how different they are from one another and how to interact with each other within a power structure, with boys getting the share of power. In this social conditioning we also leave no space for anyone else. No space for the kid who wants to wear more traditionally ‘girl’ clothes. No space for the girls who wants to shave her hair off (“don’t! It’s so pretty!”). No space for the kid who doesn’t want to abide by these gender rules but doesn’t have the language to explain it yet. Our traditional notions of what attributes ‘make up’ boys and girls hurt everyone. Because ‘kind’ is not a feminine trait. ‘Strong’ is not a masculine trait. We made them so. The lack, in all of this, is choice. We disempower girls from making decisions about their own bodies and their proximity to boys. And we empower boys with dominant attributes. But, you see, eventually girls turn into women, and boys turn into men. Still holding onto the ideas that they sucked up like sponges subconsciously, over and over again as kids and teens; when they were at their most pliable. Their most porous. For boys? That they are entitled to – now – women’s space and bodies. That they can’t show too much emotion. That they deserve sex when they want it. And for women? That feeling uncomfortable by – now men – is at best normal, and worst a compliment. That it’s okay when sex is something sort of done to them. That thinking about your safety before your comfort is totally normal. That their body is inherently sexual. And that’s just how it is… right?

Wrong.

Women and more pertinently, the LGBTQIA+ community have been imaging a world beyond these rigid gender stereotypes for decades. They have been dying for it. Fighting for it. Rejecting the notion of it. And women have been fighting for safety and shouting from the rooftops that the way we traditionally develop masculinity is hurting everyone – and I mean everyone. And we need you to finally fucking listen. Because yes, we’re sick of dying at your hands. But we’re sick of all of it. We’re sick of the continuum of misogyny that gets us there. Even the ‘small’ things.

Every single woman you know has a story about being sexually harassed

Domestic abuse has sky-rocketed during the pandemic, and after a football match it increases by 11%

1 in 3 teenage girls have experienced some form of sexual violence from a partner

90% of women who have been raped know their attacker

The life expectancy of trans women is between 30 and 35 years of age. 80% of trans persons killed during a 15-month period were 35 years of age or younger.

The majority of women make less money after going back to into the work force post maternity leave

A third of male bosses said they consider not hiring a woman of child bearing age

And yet, when we shout about these facts, a slightly different version of Googling “International Men’s Day” happens, without fail. Men ask “what about us? We’re the majority of homicides!” and each time I respond “… at the hands of who?”. The fact is, we are not dealing with an epidemic of violence because of the way we develop traditional femininity. We are dealing with an epidemic of violence because of the way we develop traditional masculinity. We are dealing with an epidemic at the hands of predominantly men. It’s part of the reason why men’s mental health is a social crisis, and why suicide is the biggest killer of men under forty, too. You are not thriving under this system either. We are being killed due to toxic masculinity and misogyny, and the mental health implications of it are killing you, too. And that’s why solving this liberates all of us. Together. But the issue we’re facing is that in almost every movement to make society better, those who deal with the more urgent effects of the problem are the only ones trying to solve it. With misogyny, women and marginalised genders have been organising, writing, protesting, learning and speaking out in order to push the conversation forward, bring awareness to, and start solving an issue men are perpetuating. With anti-blackness (the specific term for racism against Black people) it’s Black people (as well as indigenous people and people of colour) fighting against something white folk created and perpetuate. And they’re fighting because they have to. Because it is killing them. Because it is part of their every day lives. The community who are perpetrating are rarely actively working to deconstruct it. But why? Because as the person benefitting from the inequality, we’d have to give up things and get uncomfortable to solve it, and we don’t want to. Why would we want to admit we’re part of it? Why would be want to face that? Yes, it’s uncomfortable to be part of a community and be told you’re to blame for some huge toxic issue, but here’s the deal; it’s way more painful to be on the receiving end of it. Woman and marginalised genders cannot solve this system because we did not create it. And look, you’re probably now now thinking ‘but I didn’t create it either!’ sure, you personally may not have, but you benefit from gender inequality every day. Women are marginalised through their gender and therefore deal with a whole host of social, political and economic inequalities. Trans and non-binary people are further marginalised through their gender. As a man, in a society that was built by men, for men (because you create for what you know and institutional racism means the world was built for white men), you benefit in many ways. You’re more likely to get the job because a woman isn’t. You’re more likely to be paid more because a woman isn’t. You enjoy rights over you body. You aren’t expected to share the majority of care duties. You enjoy feeling safer in public than a woman or non-binary person does. You see, you don’t make better choices, you have better choices to begin with. The patriarchy is something you may not have picked up the tools to build, but by refusing to engage in, and understand that you benefit from it, you are topping up its fuel, and allowing it to continue unchecked. This is the same for whiteness too. As white people we may not have been there as the system was built by white people and to benefit white people only, but we are here upholding it as it continues to be built this way and we benefit from racism every single day. If I walk into a shop I’m unlikely to been assumed to be ‘suspicious’ or followed. My name on a CV is unlikely to result in it being passed over. I am five times less likely to die during childbirth because of stereotypes about my body and my character arising from my skin colour. You see this isn’t about just gender. We either benefit, or are impacted by, the systems hard-baked into our culture and society every day depending on our race, gender identity, sexuality, age, class and way way more. If you want to know more on this Google: Intersectionality and Dr Kimberlé Crenshaw.

Our job, I believe, is to do more for each other by being aware of what structures we benefit from and then trying our best to assist in deconstructing them. It’s a process; little and often, and it’s uncomfortable work, but it’s the only way we all win. To start, you have to try and see these inequalities we face as not ‘unavoidable eventualities’ but as structures built into society and culture that we can un-build if we want to.

The question is, do you really want to?

It can feel huge and terrifying to think about starting to deconstruct a system that you benefit from, but it's literally as easy as starting from where you are now and doing what you’d do if you wanted to learn about anything; pick up the books. Ask the questions. Sign up to the event. Watch the documentaries. Listen to the Ted Talks. This week we’ve seen Instagram light up with a bunch of infographics that tell men how they can ‘help’. They feature things like ‘when walking in the evening behind a woman, cross the road’, ‘call out your friend if he says something sexist’ etc. But I believe in facing a huge problem and only discussing solutions to the symptoms of it (women’s fear of walking alone home at night, men saying sexist stuff to their mates) we’re not unpacking why this is happening in the first place. We’re not getting down to the roots. To me, the only way this changes is if men are open to committing to understanding how this happens and where this comes from. Not only that it does happen and what they can do if they see it on any given day. When you look at how it develops you’re understanding the structure, not just how that manifests person-to-person. The work needs to be preventative over reactive.

However there's a five pointers I wanna give you to make this work easier:

1. Believe women when they tell you about their experiences. Women and non-binary people don’t want to talk about their trauma, because when we do we are rarely believed. There are a million historical, social and cultural reasons for this. (Google: Victim-blaming and the Madonna and the Whore complex) with any other traumatic event, you’d listen and sympathise, right? So do that here. If you feel the need to question the validity of her story, or if one of your friends does, ask yourself why you do that here but not when someone is victim to another crime. If you feel yourself bringing up false rape accusations as a response to a story of sexual violence ask why you’re more comfortable siding with an alleged abuser than a woman who has no reason to lie. I can probably guess: that’s society talking.

2. When women talk about their feelings, thoughts and beliefs around gender inequality or sexism, don’t say every single thing you think in response to them. She’s discussing something that is, most likely, going to make you feel defensive because it’s a direct criticism at the community you belong to. But, look, let’s be honest, you aren’t making learning about it a real part of your life, so get comfortable with the fact that many of your early, initial, knee-jerk responses probably aren’t going to be the most informed. In fact, they might be unhelpful, ignorant or just plain wrong. Get comfy with that. Avoiding the automatic need to question and challenge means you might learn from her. If you do have a question ask it in a gentle, well-meaning way and then? You guessed it. Go away and learn!

3. Punch up, never down. Aja Barber taught me this one. Who is more oppressed or marginalised than you? Who is society harder for? Make it a habit to stop focusing on them; why they show up in the world as they do, why they make the decisions they make… and look at your own community instead. You could spend your entire life educating yourself and the men you come into contact with on misogyny and sexism and you’d never run out of people, so focus on that. It’s a better use of your time. You can never really understand what someone more marginalised than you is going through on a day-to-day basis so it’s really not your place to tell them to do something differently. Save that for the people who are most commonly perpetrating the problem and who you have the most access to - dudes! This is a hard one as everyone thinks it’s their right to have an opinion on everyone, but fuck me life gets better when you’re not shitting on people who are already dealing with more than you.

4. Learn pro-actively and don’t expect women to teach you. New topics in our life require study, effort and understanding, and we live in the information age –literally anything you could ever want to know is on Google. If I wanted to, I could learn how to make an otter teapot cover right this fucking moment. As you start to learn about misogyny and gender inequality make a pact with yourself that you will proactively learn instead of waiting for someone to teach you. We can often feel like ‘well that person lives it so why can't they tell me about it?’, but we forget it’s our responsibility to learn as adults, and the burden shouldn’t be put on them to explain to you. Also, as I said earlier, all women are experts on their own experiences but not necessarily feminism experts for you to call on whenever you want. Plus, let's be real here; if you were really that interested in learning about this you'd be doing it off your own back like you would with anything else. Difference is, this is essential. So force yourself. As someone who the issue of misogyny doesn't affect, it might be easy to let doing the work slip by the wayside, and that's why we have to be active in reminding ourselves to study and learn and make it a small part of our every day lives.

5. Don't expect to be rewarded for doing the bare minimum. This one can be a hard pill to swallow so grab a glass. As we begin to feel that we are making a significant change to our lives we want to be rewarded with positive encouragement, but the truth is women have been needing men to join this fight for decades and decades and *looks around at the last week* its still happening. The window for praise passed in the 60s. Just as there is no award for not assaulting a woman (you wouldn’t be able to tell from the dudes shouting ‘not all men!’), there will be no fanfare when you've read the books, and there may be no pat on the back when you call your mate out for his toxic behaviour towards women, but that doesn't mean you should stop. You’re doing this because it's the right thing to do, not because you get something out of it. If you begin to realise you want everyone you know to see the work you’re doing and praise you for it, it's probably not for the cause, but more so that you get to be seen as The Good Guy™️ or the One Who’s Different™️. This is a common issue, and is called performative allyship (Google it, friend!). Challenge your feelings on this every step of the way.

6. Women and marginalised genders are not homogenous. When you start learning about gender inequality, much of the theory will include generalisations (as this letter does). These are used as a way to neatly introduce you to new concepts and realities. Because of this, it’s easy to start to think this way too: e.g “all women understand misogyny”, “all women want to speak out about their experiences at the hands of men”, “all trans woman want to physically transition”. The truth is, we are all complex and individual, just as men are (surprise!). We all have different beliefs, personalities, experiences and are all at different stages of learning. A Black woman from London has a very different experience and views from a South Asian woman from Nottinghamshire or a white woman from Richmond. As we discussed before, ‘femininity’ is different to ‘woman’. Misogyny is something women have internalised too (hello, Katie Hopkins!) because we live in your world. All this is to say, do the learning, but take each person and their experiences as they are.

Whew! We are almost at the end! By reading this newsletter I’ve asked you to sit in an uncomfortable space, lean into it and deal with it, and it’s a good start because by continuing to do that, through reading the books, going to the online events, listening to the podcasts, going to therapy (do it guys, remember its about learning to undo your own shit, too!) you’ll feel it often. Being uncomfortable is something we reaaaaally fucking try to reject, when actually, it’s often the first sign that you are learning and growing and challenging your views. This letter has challenged you, but this isn’t just about challenging you. It’s about inviting you in to think about masculinity, it’s about unpacking what you think and why you think it. It’s about having the courage to approach these conversations offline and be brave enough to see a huge problem and figure out where you fit into it’s solution. Whatever you do, wherever you work and whoever you know, you have an immediate sphere of influence. We feel, so often, like unless we have a platform we can’t make a difference, but literally all of us have access to 100s of people per day. Whether it’s a colleague, a member of your family, or some of your friends, you have access. And being curious, willing, open and bold in your learning is the way this changes because it rubs off on them too. It normalises men ‘doing the work’. It changes with you, and it really changes when you decide to alter how you move through the world, going from what’s easy and expected, to what’s important and more difficult, but ultimately the right thing to do. It’s okay to be wrong, to critique yourself a little, to look back at your life and notice how environments you were in changed you, or how society moulds you. That’s a common experience. It happens to us all. So let’s let that happen for good.

Maybe being a dude could mean fighting against societies standards.
Maybe it could mean doing emotional work to unlearn the patriarchal shit you’ve learnt.
Maybe fighting the patriarchy could become synonymous with men.

Imagine? Who knows? That’s really down to us. And I want you to believe that. Because every meaningful change in society has come from regular people. People like us. We make up society, and you; dudes! men! the boys! make up a world made and run by men, so together you really do have the access to shift the culture that hurt us, harms us, boxes us in, takes away our choices and upholds your comfort at the expense of others. Remember we talked about the group mentality? Well, the community and the spaces you occupy as men could be used for positive progression over negative actions or what we currently have, and that starts by exploring these ideas yourself. Talking. Questioning things. It’s how we build a movement here. It’s up to you. And that’s really fucking powerful.

To finish, I’ll leave you with a quote that I try and live by “do the right thing when nobody’s watching”. I hope you’ll choose to. Because honestly, we’re waiting for you to. And we’ve been waiting for generations.

It’s good to have you here.

Gina x

Resources For The Lads

There is one thing you can do to start to dismantle a world unsafe for women and marginalised genders. Questions to start your learning:

1. How would I describe masculinity?

2. How would I describe the masculinity that I subscribe to?

3. Why do I want to learn about gender inequality and get involved?

Books to start with:

Men Who Hate Women: Laura Bates
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
Why I’m No Longer Talking To White People About Race: Reni Eddo-Lodge
Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo
Women, Race and Class: Angela Davies
Boys Will Be Boys: Power, Patriarchy and Toxic Masculinity: Clementine Ford

And hey, the patriarchy will not be dismantled by reading lists and TED Talks alone, but it’s a great place to start your learning. Please add any resources to the comment section below.